Fear, in a bunch of words.

I know I’ve said this before but it’s true, so I’ll say it again… Blank pages can be so intimidating.  I was going to say “are” instead of “can” however I changed it at the last second.  I didn’t want to be too final.  Intimidation is just a small form of fear right?  And someone famous said you have to over come your fears…Let’s look that up.  Franklin D. Roosevelt said “The only thing we to fear is fear itself.”  And Oscar Wilde said “The basis of optimisim is sheer terror.”   Lets take them one at a time.

First  FDR:  The only thing we have to fear is fear itself—All about overcoming fear in and of itself.  Essentially we must be afraid of fearing something.  Thus running in a vicious cycle no? The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself…Is it sort of a don’t be afraid because there is really nothing much to be afraid of?  go forth and prosper? If you have nothing to fear but fear itself, why fear it?  If I haven’t solved this one yet, I don’t think I’m going to. Let us move on.

Wilde: The basis of optimism is sheer terror–in a nutshell he’s saying there’s no where to go but up.  Light at the end of the tunnel? Maybe. When one door closes another opens? Possibly. The basis of a good outlook is having nothing left to lose.
Well this blank page isn’t so intimidating anymore. It’s filled with words. They may not mean much. But hey, they’re there.  Let’s take another topic. Okay, same topic, but I have a feeling it will take a totally different turn.

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.   Actually maybe I won’t even touch this one.  To fear love….what kind of love?  Does it even matter? Do all forms of love apply here? Actually yes, I think ALL forms of love apply here.  Okay so let us continue.  To fear love is to fear life.  Fair enough, he’s equatting a life without love to being no life at all (The character of DaVinci in the movie Ever After–life is full of quotable cliches isn’t it!)  so if you don’t have love, you’re really not living a life, lest a full one.  Moving forward–those who fear life (I assume it’s assumed that if you fear life you also fear love…) those who fear life are already three parts dead… Here’s the conundrum, where do you get that fraction from? Three parts instead of three fourths obviously for poetic reasons… but three parts–wait a minute! who said four parts equal a whole?? Whoa, this thought train just took a huge halt at this fork in the road.  Why would the reader, why did I, assume that it’s three of four parts dead.  I think it’s fair to say that it has to be greater than 3 parts to make a whole by the mere use of the word ‘already’–I think it’s also fair to assume that 3 parts is greater than 50% of the whole as well, from usage of that same word.  Therefore we are left with either 4 or 5 parts being the whole. But which is it? I think for the answer to this question, we must look at some part of the human anatomy.  I do not know which part though.  I mean, the physical being as a ‘whole’ is complex in and of itself, nevermind trying to divide it into 4 or 5 pieces.  Perhaps because we are referencing love, we could assume its 3 parts of the heart.  But that wouldnt’ make sense because the actual heart, which has 4 atriums doesn’t really affect the love one can give or consume, it affects the oxygenation of blood and blood flow to the body.  The brain would be the place to go for emotion, and even then, how many parts of the brain are involved in the feeling of emotion?  Let’s ask my best G star. While she’s responding let us look up the proper usage of the words effect and affect. Okay well I have a better understanding of the different uses for the homonyms…and G star said it’s complicated as many parts are used, Therefore where were we? oh right, 3 parts… I don’t know where 3 parts comes from. I guess it’s best to assume that it’s 3 of 4 parts as it’s more compliant with today’s society. The next step to figuring out how many parts to a whole would be to figure out the time period in which the quote was coined and figure out what sorts of measuring systems were common to that culture. But I’m not going there.  Let me refresh the quote for us. To fear love is to fear life,
and those who fear life are already three parts dead.  Basically, don’t fear life, don’t fear love, don’t fear anything, even fear itself.

Eyelid Overload

Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about writing, but I really need sleep…more so than i need to hone my writing skills…atleast for now.

Rolling Stones

Rolling stones gather no moss…but what if the stone isn’t rolling. Is it definatly gathering moss? or is it just a possibility, and if that is the case, is it a high possibility?

But who ever implied that gathering moss was a bad thing?  The saying isn’t meant to be taken literally…it’s a metaphor.  One that I’ve always read (or said) in a way that one must keep moving to avoid the ‘moss’.  But tonight I think of the converse.  I don’t want to keep rolling and staying clean. I want to gather things. Moss included.  I want to feel put. I want to gather in the sun’s rays, dance in the rain, and even board up the house when ol’ Bill rolls around.  Because if I’m not rolling anymore…then moss won’t be the only thing finding me. Good things will come to, they’ll learn my address and drop me a line if they can’t stay for hot cocoa…

Rolling stones may gather no moss, but rolling stones gather no moss.

Let downs and pick ups.

I like to think of my birthday as just another day. Why? Because it’s much simpler that way. And less emotional.

For whatever reason… my birthday always has some point in it where I am silently and secretly on the verge of tears. Maybe it has something to do with still being embarassed when people sing happy birthday to me…. But nonetheless it happens. I accept it.

But I don’t like to build up the hype of my birthday, there just isn’t reason for it. I don’t go out and get plastered with my friends (though I would very much like that to happen, it just doesn’t). I just have a family dinner, they give me cake and presents… and that’s where I really get flustered. Why ask me what I want for my birthday if you just don’t even listen to me?  That’s what bugs me.  I honestly don’t care about getting gifts, but if you’re giving me something, give me something I want–ESPECIALLY IF YOU ASK ME WHAT I WANT.  I don’t mean to sound harsh…or grinch-ish. But you make me believe that I’ll be recieving this and a certain amount of positive anxiety builds up whether you like it or not…and then it just falls.

It sucks, and it really digs into me already being emotional.

Oh and P.S. the other thing I wanted to do for my birthday, didn’t get done. I wanted to play a simple game of darts with my family. I’ve been asking and hinting if anyone had the time we should play. My birthday comes around and I say “I wanna play a game of darts.”   We end up playing hearts. yes it rhymes, but it’s a completely different game.  One involves throwing sharp objects, the other involves flat-waxed heavy weight paper.

Sorry but I’m just not happy. I just wanted it to be another plain old I hate my job day.  And it wasn’t. I ended up having a rather good day at work and a rather sub-par dinner and evening. I’m not too happy. Especially now that my family is talking me out of my real birthday dinner this weekend. I’m ready to cry. and they just don’t see it.

Kill ‘em with kindness.

Birthday Wishes.

today is my birthday, and all that I want is to dig through this big box of pictures in my kitchen til the daylight’s gone.

This one here’s my mama, with the long brown hair. I’m forty years older today than she was in that picture there.

But if life stay the way it was, and lovers never fell out of love, if memories didn’t last so long, if nobody did nobody wrong

If we knew what we had before it was gone, if every road led back home, this would be the very last country song.

These are all my babies. Lord knows how we survived. The first one was hard and the last was unplanned, what a big surprise.

That’s him with his daddy’s eyes.

I loved the man in this one. It’s faded but I don’t care. There are nights when I wake up and know he’s beside me I swear. Sometimes I still feel him there.

But if life stayed the way it was, if lovers never fell out of love, if memories didn’t last so long, if nobody did nobody wrong, if we knew what we had before it was gone, if every road led back home, this would be, the very last country song.

~Jennifer Nettles, Kristian Bush.

Project Tree: Status Report.

Project Tree… took a giant step forward today.  Tree has been purchased and brought “home.” It’s actually hiding in my neighbors yard.

The winning species isn’t one of the ones I spent days researching.  Mom spotted a tree on a drive recently and said “that reminds me of my mother” and so I tried to remember what the tree looks like and my closest guess was Malus louisa.  And it was not sold at the native plant store…So I had to go elsewhere. And well, we’ll see how the rest of this pans out.  By the way, the tree is a Crabapple. Not nearly what I might pick as my neighbors all have them, but this is a different variety, a much prettier one at that. We shall plant and it shall thrive. Hopefully.

Next step:  Dig the hole.  Possible calamities of this step include but are not limited to finding and needing to clear TONS of roots and root systems from the old maple that was chopped down.  Also, digging said hole in either one night/day and setting the tree in to be a surprise–or–relaying the sod so that perhaps Mom will not realize there is a hole being dug…

I will consult with the other two parties on the next step.  And I have Wednesday off, not that the weather will be great for hole digging, but we’ll see what happens.

I’m off to check my bank account to see how much shopping I can do   I have an itch, and it needs to be scratched–big time.

Pubilk Potties

In case you haven’t been into a public restroom lately, they now have these awesome paper towel dispensers, that instead of pulling a lever, you wave your hand infront of a sensor and the machine dispenses paper towel.  Touchless towels. Excellent Idea!  However, in today’s public restroom, the sensor was not feeling well and you actually had to touch the sensor to get it to dispense any towel. And as usual, one go doesn’t dispense enough towel to dry one hand let alone two.  So tonight, I did a lot of touching on a touchless object. Fail.

Wilting.

I’m just so bored lately. Tired–not sure if I’m still getting over sickness exhaustion or if it’s just from being bored; or if being bored is merely lack of enthusiasm caused by the tiredness. Your typical “chicken or the egg?” complex.

I did get back the gym on Friday and it felt great.  Hoping to go again tomorrow after weigh-in. But I haven’t packed up my gym bag yet…Look at all that enthusiasm….:::SIGH:::…

Oh but Poor Knucks!  He had surgery yesterday to remove his dew claw…long story.  He had an awful night (not as awful as mine when I was edged out of my own bed)  He just was so uncomfortable, and it made me feel so sad for him knowing that there was no way I could ease his discomfort, there was no way to explain to him that if he just lays down and leaves his foot alone it will get better.   And putting an E-Collar on him was like Chinese water torture to an African.  He got so confused he couldn’t move. He cried and whined and when that didn’t work his poor body started to shake. I put him in the crate today when I left for work with a nice juicy marrow bone, but reports are that he didn’t touch it… instead he tore up a piece of the rug under the crate and also chewed off his bandage.  His stitches are intact and the incision isn’t really red or irritated. Now is the debate of whether or not to risk him chewing out the stitches tomorrow in his crate.  Option A: Put him in the crate with the E-collar and hope for the best; knowing how much he will not understand and be uncomfortable and scared all day, but be pretty sure that he’s not chewing at his foot. Option B: No E-collar and hope that  now that the bandage is off his foot doesn’t feel so funny and he’ll just chew up his bedding instead of the stitches… This one is a complete toss-up. but somehow I feel it’s the one that will be put into action tomorrow.
Please cross your fingers and pray that which ever option is selected, it will be the right one, and he will be comfortable.

Either way the marrow bone is going back in with him. He’ll have to eat it sometime. Or atleast he’ll have ant buddies come in and say hello.  Ew.

Project Tree: Update.

So broad basis research…Okay I googled images of my 6 species. One was ruled out immediately as it was more a shrub than a tree…The Juniperus virginiana.  I also feel it is only responsible to rule out the Ulmus americana as it would be a disservice to plant such a majestic and extrodinary species in my meager front yard.  Here are some of my calculations, please share your thoughts!

I am very close to ruling out the Quercus alba for similar reasons, but am keeping it in the running as I am a sucker for acorns, and I also think it only fair that I keep a shade tree in the running past the first eliminiations…Not that I’m keeping it just because of that, I think it a beautiful tree (and no that is not a grammatical typo, it’s a poetic statement) but I fear that the other 3 species lend much more in the way of breath-taking, in-your-face beauty (which the less in-touch-with-nature types will appreciate more) due to their flowering, colorful berries, and changing fall color.  While the Quercus alba flowers in spring, it’s berries are brown (acorns) but it does still lend a beautiful, yet typical fall foliage-plus it’s got the summer shade factor…. It still has a strong chance of a win.

Cornus florida has it’s religious aspect too, and Lord knows (no pun intended) that I have been thinking of religion ALOT lately… It also has the HUGE factor of being rare and endangered… Will I be able to get it? Will I be able to keep it alive? Will I choose this just because it is rare and endangered? It is beautiful. Will not lend much in the way of shade, but plenty in visual asthetics year round. Read about the Dogwood legend by clicking here. And for those of you who say “’tis only a legend, it is ficticious, there is nothing in the Bible about the dogwood.” I say unto you, the Bible is ficticious, is it not nothing but superstition? Burning bushes that do not cease, parting of seas, walking on water, water to wine? (This is getting way off topic, I apologize…back to Project Tree.)

Sassafras albidum–more tree like, I believe it can be pruned to show its bark under its branches, so there are asthetic options within this species. This attracts butterflies (is actually a host plant for the Spicebush Swallowtail Butterfly) in addition to birds. Will need less in the way of soil care than the Cornus florida, but does not lend as much in the way of year round beauty.

and lastly, but not leastly

Amelanchier canadensis, again, a tree that is beautiful throughout each season change and has a delicate look. This seems to be more tolerant of a range of soil and light conditions, and is said to “fruit on its own.” Does that imply it attracts less in the way of wing’d friends? Apparently this tree’s fruits are edible and taste like pears. Mmmm.

Well there is tonight’s synopsis.  Two species have been eliminated. I do love the Ulmus americana, I just don’t feel my yard, and neighborhood for that matter would allow it to grow to its full potential. It would be hindered immensly in this environment. Godspeed majestic tree, godspeed.

A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in. –Greek Proverb.

Project Tree.

Project Tree is officially underway as of this evening.   What is Project Tree you ask?  It’s my mother’s mother’s day gift. We’re buying her a tree for the front yard to replace the Maple that died and was severed at its base.

Mission: Give Mom a tree

Need to get accomplished:

• Pick out tree-candidates are : Ulmus americana-American Elm, Juniperus virginiana-Eastern Red Cedar, Cornus florida-Flowering Dogwood, Sassafras albidum-Sassafras, Amelanchier canadensis-Shadbush, Quercus alba-White Oak
  • Next step is to narrow down choices by aesthetics. Also, confer with Project Native experts for general advice on choosing a species and raising a tree, and also how the Juniperus virginiana would do with an apple tree on the property but not in the direct vicinity of where we plan to put this new tree.  (See cedar-apple rust)
• Consult with Project Native experts on soil acidity testing, if there is a period of time to wait between up rooting stump and planting new tree in same spot (for best results type of thing)

Things accomplished:

• Informed other parties of Project Tree.
• Informed work party of necessity to uproot stump BEFORE Mother’s Day (I hope uprooting involves a small amount of dynamite and/or my amazing Jeep and our skills.
• Compost ready for plant.
• Narrowed down tree options to 6 species.
• Also read about rain gardens and their importance. Perhaps a nice summer project after Project Tree.
  • And maybe a hummingbird garden as well
    • All this coming from someone who hates gardening  because there are spiders in the garden (yes I know they are good for the garden…)
      • Don’t worry about snakes in the garden when you’ve got spiders in your bed
        • If you can tell me what movie that quote is from I will be your bestest friend.

Off to look up online pictures of my 6 species.