define me.

cuddle

(kudh-l)  v. tr. To fondle in the arms; hug tenderly– intr. To nestle; snuggle.
n. The act of cuddling –adj. cuddlesome, cuddly

nestle

(nes-uhl) v. intr. 1. To settle snugly and comfortably. 2. To lie in a sheltered position. 3. To draw or press close, as in affection; snuggle. 4. Archaic To nest. tr. 1. To snuggle or press contentedly. 2. To place or settle as if in a nest.

snuggle

(snug-uhl) v. intr. 1. To lie or press close together; cuddle. 2. To curl up closely or comfortable; nestle. tr. To draw close or hold closely, as for comfort or in affection; hug.

spoon

(spoon) n. 1. a utensil consisting of a small, shallow bowl on a handle, used in preparing, serving, or eating food. 2. Some thing similar to this utensil or its bowl, as: a. A shiny curved metallic fishing lure. b. A paddle or an oar with a curved blade. 3. Sports The three wood golf club.—v. tr. 1. To lift, scoop up, or carry with or as if with a spoon. 2. Sports and Games To shove of scoop (a ball) into the air. intr. 1. To fish with a spoon lure. 2. Sports & Games To give a ball an upward scoop. 3. Informal To engage in amorous behavior, such as caressing.

caress

(kah-res) n. A gentle touch or gesture of tenderness or love.   tr. v. 1. To touch or stroke in an affectionate or loving manner. 2. To touch or move as if with a caress. 3. To treat fondly, kindly, or favorably; cherish.

fondle

(fahn-duhl) n. 1. To handle, stroke, or caress, usu. lovingly. 2. Obsolete To treat with indulgence and solicitude; pamper. intr. To show fondness or affection by caressing.

Just a few words I like, and am currently in the mood for…

Appreciation

Okay so I realize that you are all looking out for me, and you all see my good qualities, and you all would like me to find that good guy who treats me for what I’m worth… But we all know that he doesn’t exist… So I am enjoying what I have now… I’m not going to talk to him about anything “relationship” related. I don’t see the need to. I may have wanted to before, but I am glad I didn’t. I am happy with what I have now, even if there is no direct definition for it, I like it.

I do appreciate you all for looking out for me-Thank You. But I don’t mind where I am at, for once.  It’s that whole Mr. Right vs. Mr. Right-now.  There is no Mr. Right, he’s only in fairy tales…But there is a Mr. Right-now, and he makes me content. esp when he koalas me.

Today was a day from hell and I would just like to sleep now.

Cuddle Me What?!

Remember Harlan Corben? The author of the book that I was so enthralled with but thought it sucked… Well… He’ll be mentioned in a bit.

So the long awaited text from Eyes Wide Open finally came Wednesday…Last night.  I was excited, he and his friend were gonna be playing their guitars and I was finally gonna get to hear them again. Well By the time I get my ass out there his friend is pulling out of the driveway…Bummer, but I go in and had a good time-they finally got cable so we watched some Cartman and what not.  Bedtime. We cuddle super awesome–not to mention the fact that neither of us had to work in the morning so we could sleep in. YAY!!

We cuddle…and in the middle of the night we’re both kinda awake and we had really. good. spoon sex.

And after–he says “and by the way I really enjoyed that book. And yes I finished it.”

Caught me totally off guard-what an awkward time to bring that up.  I think I managed some comment of like Really? you didn’t find it far fetched?  But nonetheless it was awkward…nice uh pillow talk? Though it wasn’t really pillow talk, I don’t even know what you’d call it… It wasn’t even really talk so much as a comment thrown in… I realized in the morning that he brought that up because the book and his bookmark were laying on the floor right next to his bed… So not QUITE as awkward but still totally awkward.

I really like laying next to him. And I really don’t like that this is eventually really gonna hurt.

Live fast, take chances, die hard and go out screaming….Right?

Intimacy

So while cuddling last night I decided to go out on a limb and increase the intimacy of our cuddling…dun dun dun!!!!

Typically we just do the spooning… and night before last he put on arm around me and the other under my pillow… almost encircling me… and at another point he laid on his back and in my half-asleep state I couldn’t quite determine if it was an invite for my head to lay on his chest…. So i let it pass and just snuggled closer.

BUT last night, I was soo freaking comfortable cuddling with him that I just decided I wanted to try something…. He was on his back and i had one arm draped across his chest… so in my sleepy state I make the BOLD AND DARING move to lift my leg up on to him too…. It was amazing… so comfy, so relaxed…

It was pure bliss.

It was just so amazing that I’m not even going to force you to read any more about it. And FYI–I am aware/I have acknowledged that I am going to get hurt.

BUT the reason for this entry–Tonight while showering I was thinking about the eyes open kissing thing… and the entry about the tramp where he was thinking of an other girl and the fact that maybe he wasn’t thinking of another girl yada yada yada…. and I came to this ponderence.

If he kisses with his eyes open, it’s not intimate, there is no feeling to the kiss…

but how do we feel about sex with eyes open… I think eyes open during sex is more intimate (as long as their looking at you and not the 49ers poster on the wall or the tree out the window)  If eyes are closed during sex, who knows what they’re thinking about or imagining to get off…  And

why the sharp difference in meaning of the position of the eyes in two closely related situations?

P.S. just gonna throw this out there because I want opinions…Why does he not kiss me until he is leaving for work in the morning? (unless we’re having sex)

New Information

Yes, this is another post about Eyes Wide Open. Deal with it.

So let me just tell you that the past couple nights he’s asked me over… he initiated it, not me…probably means nothing and that’s okay.  But he invited me out last night cuz his roommate, who is an excellent chef, was “cooking up a storm.” I was very intrigued so I went and there were a few other people there. We were having fun. Dinner was delish. And afterward we’re all just hanging around chatting and somehow we get on this girl…we’ll call her Tramp for now…

side note: I knew her in highschool and one of my most vivid memories of her is her turning around in alegbra class and discussing with me wether or not to get involved with a guy who cheated/is cheating on his current girlfriend…I mentioned the cliche’ and not true statement “once a cheater always a cheater” and she said yea but I’m the one he’s cheating with…. :::SIGH::::

So come to find out that Tramp moved to Georgia-and one day out of the blue called up Eyes and said I really need to get out of here can you come pick me up…. that’s a friggin 20 hr drive…and Eyes Wide Open, at the drop of a hat, said he would go pick her up.  He had called in to work and was ready to go when she called him back and said she had found another ride.  Now all of us were ragging on him at this point…why would you have ever agreed to do that…yada yada yada—so i throw out a rhetorical question that wasn’t taken as rhetorical: “what were you in love with her or something”  and Eyes replies dead-on “yea actually I was, thanks.”   So we continue ragging on him and Eyes points out that he’s just a really nice guy.

TRANSLATION: He’s a beaten puppy.   If you’ve never heard my beaten puppy-idiom it is as follows.  We all know dogs love unconditionally-so my beaten puppy idiom is a puppy who gets abused over and over…but because he loves unconditionally he always goes back to his master, his people to receive further beatings and abuse and soon he knows no difference so this pain and suffering is all he knows of feeling. Thus he continues to seek out this “feeling” from all beings he is close to.

Make sense?

So this new information about Eyes and the Tramp sort of pulled everything else full circle.  He is the beaten puppy, and though he is such a nice guy, he has unknowingly forced himself into these awful lose-lose situations that keep him in the cycle of getting hurt.  He knows no other way.  Hence why he is now so defensive about the “dirty” L word.

I have a better understanding of that now, so I am more at peace with our “relationship” and what I mean by “relationship” is that we don’t really have a friendship and we’re definately not dating but we are more than aquaintances…hence it is a “relationship” as in 2 people knowing eachother in no certain way…. or something…I just don’t want you all thinking that I believe there is more to what were doing than there actually is…. so with that clarified–

During “coitus” at one point I rolled off of him to take a few breaths and he says “you okay hon–” and the ‘ey’ trailed off (whether intentional or not it does not matter)  This sharp, breathstopping pain went through my chest and if I was standing I’m sure I would have stumbled. :::SIGH::: It hurt. It’s not supposed to hurt, but it did nonetheless…talking about the tramp (and I’m pretty sure he’s still got feelings for her) didn’t hurt… but him using terms of endearment in the bed stung like a son-of-a-”Bee” (no pun intended).

Now for some juice.

He was drunk and stoned. It took him forever to cum. And I mean forever…. I was at the point where i was gonna say sorry but you’re SOL…. but I didn’t… Instead I stared EYES WIDE OPEN at his face…and watched.  And I’m pretty fucking sure that he wasn’t thinking about me.  He was thinking about her. and I sort of had a very good chuckle at this… because 45 minutes before when he was still pleasuring me I was thinking of her too.  NOT that I’m a lesbian or get off on the thought of chics/TRAMPS but  she was on my mind and I was thinking if this is what he did to her…yada yada yada….if she enjoyed this, and thats why he still does it….ya know those weird thoughts that don’t belong there (Hey at least I wasn’t picturing your sister!!!) :-\

But anyway, I’m pretty sure he was thinking of her…Still not sure if it was more than the substances that kept him from copulating.

I know this has been an excruciatingly long post but I have one more comment.  Somewhere in the night he ran his hand along my hip and up my side….that was the first time a guy touched me like that, that intimately, bare-skin, and I didn’t shudder or try to pull away.  Must be some sort of progress on my end.

Maybe he’ll call tomorrow.

P.S. Ever thought of someone else while you were “doing it” (to put it bluntly)

Holiday

So I am so wicked excited about Christmas…. I’m excited about Christmas all year round… It’s my favorite time of the year…. I’m even tempted to start playing Christmas carols… NOT that that’s out of the ordinary–I play them in May, August, January… whenever.

But I’m really excited because THIS SATURDAY is our annual shopping trip. See ever since before I was born the women on my mom’s side of the family has taken this huge all day shopping trip. When we kids were wee little ones they would leave at the ass crack of dawn and come back at like midnight…with a car full of toys from Santa…I have spent years hearing stories and traditions formed at these shopping trips. Now I get to go. I chose a stellar mall for this year–vallet parking, car detailing whilst you shop!, they have not only a CHEESECAKE FACTORY but a PF Changs Chinese Bistro mmm mmmm fuckin’ mmm… Not that you wanna eat a ton of Chinese food and continue shopping… but nothing wrong with a little sampler for lunch… Then of course they have the usual stores and to top it all off… CRATE AND BARREL!!!! soo psyched!!
I can’t friggin’ wait… I’m going to spend like all of my money! This mall has fantabulous stores…. Woo hoo!!!  They’re just missing Fredrick’s of Hollywood but we’ll manage.

And P.S. if you’re going to accompany someone who wishes to go out dancing… you better be prepared to dance and not just stand around and leave after 2 songs… Lame. Really Lame.

Luck O’ the Irish. I’m not irish.

Okay so I will write more about my fantabulous night later… but I need to get this out there.

Never walk up to a girl on the dance floor and say, “We made out once.”

It’s just awkward… So the story behind that is that I was at a block dance getting wasted (what else is new) and I saw my crush having dance sex with some girl (i refuse to call her bimbo because she’s got 3 kids) and making out with her…. So anyway my lovely friend got this guy to kiss me…(we’ll call him the legend as his t-shirt that evening said the man, the legend…with arrows pointing–well you know) so yea the legend says that to me and I of course have to respond, so i answer — “things happen”  He continues the conversation with “I remembered as soon as I saw you.” So again I defensively respond–”Yea, my friends had to remind me who you were…”  And so the night continued….

Later after I realized it was too late to go see Eyes Wide Open, I openly confessed that I was just utterly sad–because I was, i just wanted to cuddle with him…. So once again the legend attempts the rescue by offering to make out with me… I said no.  All due respect but when you dance with EVERY girl there…you’re not that enticing… okay well he is hot, but seriously… limit yourself.

Anyway more to come. Stay tuned….

Black Pepper.

So depression sucks.

I spent the day fighting off a myriad of emotions.  As much as I appreciate the sympathy, when you’re so emotionally sick that you’re physically sick comments like “you don’t look so good” and “you look tired” are just polite ways of saying you look like shit…they don’t do much to boost your immune system and especially your mood.  Yay.

Some days you just need a hug and it’s those days when you realize there is no one around to give you that hug.  But the day passes, eventually. Night hopefully brings sleep and thus the morning will, too, eventually come–whether you  like it or not.  I find I am reminding myself of this cycle all to much lately.  Change for America, and hopefully, too, change for Emily.

On that note…I was humored today when I read an article from the associated press calling Obama the first “African-American president.”  now isn’t that just a conundrum in itself.  The constitution itself–or is it the declaration…well some old dusty document says that all presidents must be American. Now here is where you may say that Obama is American, and that African-Americans are American and with both statements you are true. The difference my dear Waston lies in the fact that the term “African-American” by definition is an natural-born African who is naturalized as an American citizen, thus not a candidate for American presidency.  Obama is American, he was born in America. His ancestry includes African persons, however for all intents and legal purposes he can not be called African-American, if you need to describe his physicality as a black person you would call him black American, such as I and the Ku Klux Klan are white Americans, not Scottish-American or British-Americans (eekkk.) or Euro-Americans….

That however has nothing to do with the title of this post.

It just so happens that I had yet another allergic reaction to black pepper… and it sucks because I don’t even know what I consumed that had black pepper… perhaps it was the mozzerella sticks.

damn those cheesy goodnesses.

Strawberry Milk.

Tonight I was supposed to babysit for my lil cousin for like 10 minutes… that was long enough for me… My mom was going to babysit but couldn’t be there until 15 minutes after Harold had to leave, so I was the relief party. Well my mom ended up being there before Harold left anyway, but I stuck around just to hangout with Livy.

So snack time comes and Livy gets her chocolate milk and my mom made a tea… So i look in the fridge for the chocolate milk and realize that it is not premade chocolate milk but plain milk with hershey’s syrup…. disappointing because I’m to lazy to make chocolate milk. so I continue searching perhaps i’ll find some water or something and lo-and behold…. not only is there chocolate syrup but also STRAWBERRY SYRUP!!! And I was NOT too lazy to make a strawberry milk… mmm mm mmmm.

So I search the cupboards for a glass… I don’t want a huge pint glass…or a baby glass…but next to the baby glass there were mugs!!! OMG a friggin strawberry milk in a mug! How excellent!

So that is what I had… Strawberry milk in a mug…with a spoon!  Delicious. Childhood. Heaven.

almost as good as snuggling.

Deadly Combo.

So I had an anxiety attack today…  It was great :-\

It started off with a dermatology appointment this morning, thus my anxiety was already soaring… I decided to take my dog for a walk before I went to price chopper to pick up the ingredients for dinner. So we’re walking and my dog shits on the side walk and gets some of it on his leg… Then this woman wants to pet Knuckles and he gets all psycho and is spinning in circles and wipes the rest of his shit on my pants. great.  we finish our walk, i do the best to scrub the shit off my pant leg with a handkerchief and water before going into the store.

Now it’s do or die time.  I had ample opportunities to glance around the parking lot and I didn’t see his car, so I felt pretty assured I wouldn’t see him inside.  I keep repeating to myself what I need to get and I’m keeping a steady tempo in my mind and in my step… Getting through the door of course I get stuck behind 2 old people hobbling in… Fine whatever I get my pace back and first things first cereal…. Now finding what is on sale… great cocopuffs and reeses puffs both 2/4… excellent. Ribs…they’re on sale… lady get out of my way!  okay 6 ribs should be enough… to the hygiene isle… there’s only 3 styles of toothbrushes?!  oh wait there they are… okay uhm coupon says these ones… okay. and toothpaste. excellent… now just corn….  corn corn corn…. corn corn… oh shit there’s that kid… what’s his name… the one that—why won’t he divert his eyes from me!!!–eye’s wide open is trying–smile, soft eye contact— to teach to –don’t be a freak smile at him!–flirt with girls…–great here’s my aisle! turn quick!–corn right? corn, or green beans? no, corn…2 cans, mom wants a lot of corn…corn….–now here i’m staring right at the corn that I need to get… i see them they’re right infront of me, bottom shelf… i just can’t get my body to move towards them…. so i finally get my arm to grab the two cans… and i head to the top of the aisle and for whatever reason turn left instead of right… okay fine i’ll check out the ice cream see if they have my kind…. Nope… okay okay no ice cream. i got the corn… check out… is that way.  walking walking eyes forward… Rick says “Hi…emily” to me… Fuck “Hi” I manage with a slight smile….he knew who i was… fuck… I’m not invisible. I wanted to be invisible… invisible don’t see me… okay check out here… uhm wait that lines shorter… oh no i know her back to the first line… breath… stop shaking… breath… smile at the woman behind me… i’m now locked into this line… okay put food on counter… breath…. almost my turn… coupons and card on cereal so she can scan them…..successfully manage small talk pay and leave…. shaking continues… breathing thankfully continues…. parking lot… cars coming–wait…. where did I park…. not in my usual spot. oh right over there…  breath.

Knuckles waited patiently in the car… thankfully.  I manage to get in and settle… I try to back up and there’s an old guy on a scooter driving by so I must wait… I get out of the parking lot… and drive home… Breathing.